Last night, I had to drive to Syracuse , N.Y. (I'm attending Cinefest with a bunch of other 16mm film hoarders still bitter about the introduction of "talkies"), so I didn’t see Survivor. But as I drove along the I-90, here is what I imagined was happening.
There were plenty of shots of Russell and Rob preening and talking trash about each other. Rob’s stuff was sharper and funnier. Russell oozed plenty of that creepy Charles Mason charm. At some point Parvati adjusts her bikini top in front of Coach and gains immunity.
There were games in the sand where people had to either wrestle until one of the skinny chick’s was half naked or one tribe jumped out to a big lead only to screw up a giant puzzle or both.
Jeff Probst asked a bunch of really obvious questions at tribal council like, “Do you think you are vulnerable in tonight’s vote (insert person edited to look vulnerable here)?”
At the vote, “Konrad” sided with the conventional broadcast networks and gave them immunity, plus everything at the reward challenge. Consumers were blindsided. The tribe has spoken.
The folks below on this weekly Survivor panel have the real story, below. Thank God somebody takes this responsibility seriously.
Amber Dowling (TV Guide Canada): "Farewell, Tyson (above left); we hardly knew ye. Farewell, James; the other side of you we met wasn’t so heroesque, my friend. In the end “the gentle giant’s” bum knee did him in, and the tribe made a shocking move by voting him out. Shocking since the Heroes have failed to better the tribe thus far, preferring to keep their alliance intact until the merge." Read the rest of Dowling's recap here.
Michael Bolen (The National Post): "Rob perfectly measured all the possible permutations of Russell’s idol play, but he failed to admit the possibility that a member of his own alliance might deviate from his carefully crafted plan. Why Tyson trusted Russell’ pledge to vote for Parv is mysterious, but what truly puzzles me is his motivation for risking his survival simply to increase the chances that Parvati would go home. Why was he so anxious to eliminate someone in such a weak position? Does he just hate women?" Read the rest of Bolen's recap here.
Kat Angus (Dose.ca): "" Read theI was certain that when he and Boston Rob finally faced off, Russell would get his Hobbutt kicked all the way back to America. But give the little guy some credit: he knew that even if he couldn't outsmart Rob, he could definitely outsmart his idiot minions. Tyson was a perfect mark, because he loves to think he's in on some secret plan, no matter how little that plan makes sense." Follow the rest of Angus' latest recap here.